The Shambush! Coffee Table Book of Shit Stories – Declan and the Functionality of Contemporary Cashpoints

So, this is a tricky entry to The Shambush! Coffee Table Book of Shit Stories, as there are three voices contributing to one, quite self aware Shit Story. You’ll see what we mean as we continue.  For reasons of simplicity I shall adopt a first person narrative, which is a deviation to our normal style. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin…

In my mind the story starts a few weeks back around 9am, whereupon I looked at my mobile telephone and saw that late the previous night I had received a missed call from my friend Declan. Declan is not one to normally call me at 1am. I assumed it wasn’t an emergency as attempts to reach Declan, that morning, were met with his answer-phone, either that it was too late for me to do anything about it by then anyway…

I thought nothing of this for a week or so until I saw Declan. Naturally, I enquired as to why he had phoned me at such a time (and this is where the Shit Story becomes ‘self aware’) he replied:

“I had to call you. I just had a great story for the Coffee Table Book of Shit Stories”

To which I said, “Oh really?”  Questions flew into my head… If it’s already known as a Shit Story and told to Shambush! as a second-hand example of this – is it actually a Shit Story?  What classifications and requirements should we use to judge an entry’s importance?  How Shit could it be if he was so excited he had to call me in the middle of the night? Nonetheless, I am penning it now – I shall continue…

Declan then told me his tale, which also incorporates the dialogue of our dear friend Charlie (You see? I said it had many parts).

Charlie and Declan had been having a conversation about the fact that cashpoints now relinquish £5 notes, like the good old days. This in itself is worthy of entry to The Coffee Table Book of Shit Stories, but that is not all, dear reader, Oh no.  Upon realising that more money was needed for the acquisition of beer, Charlie and Declan were cruelly forced to the Co-op, on St James’ Street, to withdraw hard earned funds. At this very point their earlier discussions and declarations were proven in a most satisfactory fashion.

Charlie stated: “It’s good these cashpoints do £5 now, because I can get £5 out and I only have £7 (or some such amount, less than £10 we know for sure) in there right now.”

Declan probably replied with something like, “That’s handy then, isn’t it?”

She then withdrew £5 and minutes later Declan was making a phone call and far away, in the not so picturesque, suburban setting of Lower Earley, my telephone was ringing and I was fast asleep…

The Shambush! Coffee Table Book of Shit Stories – Declan and the Functionality of Contemporary Cashpoints

3 thoughts on “The Shambush! Coffee Table Book of Shit Stories – Declan and the Functionality of Contemporary Cashpoints

  • 14 September, 2011 at 7:52 am
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    This is truly awful!

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  • 10 October, 2011 at 10:27 am
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    This remind me of a story that once happen to me, I was going get a coffee from a coffee shop and then I realise that I didn’t have the £2 that I needed to get the coffee and still have £1.70 left to get my bus home and so I stood on the street corner not knowing what to do and then I realised what I could do is go to the shop and buy a packet of coffee and that cost £3 but then I could walk home and make the coffee at home with my cafetierre and so I bought the coffee and walked home and by the time I got home I could have made the coffee with my cafettierre but I didnt really fancy a coffee by that point so I had a cup of tea instead.

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  • 31 January, 2012 at 3:10 pm
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    OH! THIS IS GOOD! ONCE MY BOSS WAS ABOUT TO HAND OUT A CHOCOLATE TO EMPLOEE BASED ON HOW GOOD THEIR WORK WAS AND THEN HE DECIDE TO SCALE THEM IN LEAING TOWER AND ALL THE CLOCKALTE FALL AND SOME OF THEM BREAK INTO SMALLER CHOCKALTE AND WE WERE UPSET AS THEY DELICALTE CRAFTED AND SOME WERE BEAUTFIUL AND HE TRY TO MAKE IT UP TO US BY BOILING UP A BIG VAT OF MELTED CHOCOLATE AND OIL BUT AS HE BRINGS IT IN HE TRIPS AND THE BURNING CHOCOLATE AND OIL SPILLS OVER ME AND MELTS MY SKIN OFF AND IT HURT SO MUCH!

    Reply

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